Skip to main content

that time i outed myself as a serial killer

if you're on facebook, chances are you've encountered at least one person who's used a related app called "what would i say". i know a lot of people don't like to use apps because they collect your information and sell it to identity thieves and deposed dictators trying to smuggle money out of the country, but this one is good enough that i consider it worth the risk. also, anyone who takes on my identity is probably in for some unpleasant surprises.

the app takes your status updates and posts and scrambles them to create new things that are supposed to sound like things you might have said. often the results are nonsensical, but sometimes they are brilliant [including the nonsensical ones] in a dada way. and in my experience, they sometimes get a little too honest.

for instance, katebot is somewhat prone to over-sharing:






bad katebot. no one needs to know those things. also, it's not true. i have never worn pants.

then there are the times katebot admits to doing things that could get real kate in trouble:







those all seem like good reasons to avoid being anywhere in my vicinity.  so does this:





thanks for spoiling the surprise, katebot.

of course, she does give excellent advice:



that time she accidentally shared my to do list:



and then decided to try vague-booking in the worst possible way:



[actually, i'm not sure that isn't something i really did say. it sounds like me. but they all sound like me, which is the point. that just sounds a lot like me.]

of course, that does make one think about the "serial killer" admission from earlier. not that i'm saying i'm a serial killer. or that katebot is saying i'm a serial killer. it just makes me wonder why stuff like this would turn up from an application that tries to pick out the most common terms you use on facebook.

 

 it's like she just realised i was in the room and figured she should stop talking.



that first bit is part of a quote from hemingway. and i guess i've just chosen to specify that hemingway didn't eat people. for all those of you who've heard ernest hemingway cannibalism rumours. i know those are big on the internet now.



that can't be good for them...



with good reason if they live anywhere around me. 

so what dark secrets is katebot really trying to share about me?



probably for the best.

Comments

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: getting cheeky

blush might just be the last thing that a beauty lover comes to appreciate, seeing as it can be a matter of slight degrees that separates one product from another, and it's most difficult to tell from just swatching a product how it's going to look. and it did take me a long time to appreciate that, despite loving my refined pallor and believing that my natural rosy flush was more than enough of a blush for me, blush is my friend. it softens, sculpts, perfects and, although you might not see it at first blush [yuk yuk yuk], it is something that subtly harmonises with the other colours in a look to make it "complete". yes, it's the most tricky thing to pull off when you're wearing something that doesn't mesh with your own undertones. but it's also the thing that can take a face from gloomy to glowing with a swish of the magic wand known as a makeup brush.

highlighters are an even trickier lot, since many of the more brilliant ones have a tendency to e…

making faces :: chanel's velvet realm

who doesn't love velvet? i know when i was younger, i used to, as george costanza longed to, "drape myself in velvet" and although that phase passed with time, i still think that the plush fabric has to be one of the high points of human achievement, up there with interior heating, advanced medicine and vodka. so to me, it's no surprise that one of the most hotly anticipated launches in the cosmetic world is chanel's new "rouge allure velvet" lipstick line, because even the name immediately makes me want to put it on my lips.

on a more concrete level, chanel describes these lipsticks as "luminous matte", which is sort of like the holy grail for lipstick lovers. we all want those intense, come-hither film noir lips, the sort where young men and sunlight are lost and never heard from again, but historically [including during the making of those films], applying a matte lipstick felt sort of like colouring in your lips with an old crayon that had…