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you've never met a man like me before

i sort of resent the fact that spammers aren't making much of an effort to be funny or interesting anymore. i still get lots of messages, but it's kind of like being a lobster fisherman who goes to check his traps and finds out that they're all filled with empty shells. [actually, that might be more interesting, now that i think about it. nancy drew does maritime labourer mysteries.]

i get lots of emails telling me i have to sign an attached invoice, or read an attached fax, or do any number of other things that involve opening a zip file attached to the email. i get lots of messages telling me where i can buy drugs [none that are interesting, though] and what "it's a real company, honest!" stocks i should be buying. but recently, this turned up in a spam search and caught my eye.


ok, anna, i'm afraid you may indeed be mistaken about me. [i don't want to know how you could be mistaken in me, because i'd probably end up with some kind of disease.] i guess i shouldn't be surprised that, despite my clearly female name, you seem to believe i'm a man, because you don't seem entirely clear on your own name. i'll take your word for it and assume you're anna, but that raises some uncomfortable questions about where betty is and what you've done with her. until i know that, i don't think we can be friends.

then i found this [in a different email account's spam folder], from someone named "dana":


i think it's a pretty dire sign for the world if i'm the only decent man left in it.

also, we should probably talk about this sitting in the networks thing you're doing. do you mean you're holed up in a server room somewhere? because, yeah, you're never going to meet men that way. or women. or women you think are men.

and there are a couple of other suggestions i'd like to make:

1. when you do meet men, can i suggest you not start the conversation with "my boyfriend left me"? i'm not sure about ukrainian customs, but in english speaking countries, at least, it's more common to lead with "hello" or the more informal "hi". and even after that, i wouldn't just rush into the bit about getting kicked to the curb, because it immediately triggers questions like "why?" and "what am i getting myself into?" and "what's wrong with her?" and once thoughts like that start to float around, it sort of kills the romantic atmosphere.

2. i think you were trying to end your email with an emoticon, like so:
:-))
which would be adorable, except that your emoticon guy has no eyes or nose, unlike, say, the first one you used. seeing this makes me wonder how many actual human beings you've ever seen if you think that fifty percent of them have faces with one big mouth-hole and nothing else and it leads me to the conclusion that you're either living in some radiation-ridden nightmare straight out of the hills have eyes, or that you've spent most of your life locked in a basement and don't know that the hideous mouth-monster who comes to drop off your meals is not indicative of most human anatomy.

i feel like maybe i should tell these young ladies to email each other. i mean, they both seem to want company. they both seem to be a little confused about their gender preferences. yes, there's a vague possibility that one of them murdered another woman for her email account and that the other is surrounded by a cult of irradiated mouth-monsters, but, really, every relationship has its challenges.

so you see? this is a really positive blog post about how there truly is a match for everyone out there. i am like the cupid of the spam set. of course, cupid was male and i'm not, although i'm starting to feel like i shouldn't be so sure.

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jihadvertising?

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oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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