Skip to main content

steve bickley, we hardly new ye

i got a letter yesterday that shocked me, not because of the content, but because of the person who sent it.

i've come to recognise the rounded variety on century gothic that bell canada uses in their love letters to me and, since i hadn't blogged about them  in a while, i was greatly looking forward to another "please come back" missive from my mysterious suitor, mr. steve bickley. so imagine my surprise when the letter turned out to be from a woman by the name of heather tulk, who seems to have taken over mr. bickley's position as senior vice president of residential services.

i've no idea what's become of steve. did my consistent rejections, on the basis that bell had treated my like an inmate in their telecommunications prison, who tried to bill me for months of service when they forgot to disconnect my toronto line and accused me of lying when i insisted that i had ordered a disconnection (and even claimed that i should pay if they had been at fault, which they were), drive him into some sort of frenzy? while i don't think i'm ugly, i'm not generally the kind of girl who makes men crazy, even if they have been sending me letters for almost three years to tell me how much they miss me.

heather's letter is interesting. she's obviously after me to return to bell, but she avoids any mention of my whole history with steve. she makes no mention of him, or of the fact that i was once a bell customer. her case is ruthlessly practical: i should go back to bell for purely fiduciary reasons. i will save, over the course of two years, almost $1400 from what i'm currently paying videotron (how do they know?) for my services. i respect that practicality, that forwardness, that desire to start from a clean slate. there's something in it that touches a chord in my chilled heart.

CAN A NEW BELL FACE WIN ME BACK?



when i googled ms. tulk, i found out why. turns out, she, like me, hails from eastern canada. she has that awareness of the importance of dollars and cents that is bred in the blood of an area of the country that generally has very little of either. while she comes originally from newfoundland, she has spent, as far as i can tell, the last several years in a position of high authority with aliant, bell's arm in the maritime provinces. it was on reading that little tidbit that her message went from striking a chord to striking a nerve.

you see, dom and i bought my mother a portable phone for christmas. we wanted her to have this because we knew that, in the spring, she was due to have hip replacement surgery and neither of us wanted her to be phone-less in case of an accident or to have to exert herself to answer the daily calls i'm going to be giving her until i'm sure she's all right. because my mother has digital internet service through alliant (as well as her cable and phone service), she needed to get a noise reduction box to keep her phone and internet service from interfering with each other. ok, i understand. we have one of those too.

however, when she called aliant, they told her that, if she were to install the device to allow her internet and phone to work together, her cable would stop working. excusez-moi? no matter what this poor woman does, having a portable phone is going to deprive her of one of the services that she pays for from bell aliant? end of story?

sadly, yes, that seems to be just as far as aliant is willing to help her. now my mother is freshly returned from the hospital and every time she gets a phone call, she has to make her way painfully to a phone anchored to the wall because apparently, in the digital age, no one at aliant hasa ever considered the possibility that phones might be made portable.

heather, i appreciate your easterner's pluck and your attempt to court me simply by pointing out your advantages, but i can hardly return to bell's loving arms when they've treated first me and now my mother so poorly. and yes, i'm still bitter about that internet cap thing you tried to push on all of us. i'd suggest that you move on to winning back the hearts of some of the other people who ran from your clammy clutches over the years. but if you see steve bickley, do give him my regards.

Comments

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: getting cheeky

blush might just be the last thing that a beauty lover comes to appreciate, seeing as it can be a matter of slight degrees that separates one product from another, and it's most difficult to tell from just swatching a product how it's going to look. and it did take me a long time to appreciate that, despite loving my refined pallor and believing that my natural rosy flush was more than enough of a blush for me, blush is my friend. it softens, sculpts, perfects and, although you might not see it at first blush [yuk yuk yuk], it is something that subtly harmonises with the other colours in a look to make it "complete". yes, it's the most tricky thing to pull off when you're wearing something that doesn't mesh with your own undertones. but it's also the thing that can take a face from gloomy to glowing with a swish of the magic wand known as a makeup brush.

highlighters are an even trickier lot, since many of the more brilliant ones have a tendency to e…

making faces :: chanel's velvet realm

who doesn't love velvet? i know when i was younger, i used to, as george costanza longed to, "drape myself in velvet" and although that phase passed with time, i still think that the plush fabric has to be one of the high points of human achievement, up there with interior heating, advanced medicine and vodka. so to me, it's no surprise that one of the most hotly anticipated launches in the cosmetic world is chanel's new "rouge allure velvet" lipstick line, because even the name immediately makes me want to put it on my lips.

on a more concrete level, chanel describes these lipsticks as "luminous matte", which is sort of like the holy grail for lipstick lovers. we all want those intense, come-hither film noir lips, the sort where young men and sunlight are lost and never heard from again, but historically [including during the making of those films], applying a matte lipstick felt sort of like colouring in your lips with an old crayon that had…