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learning not to fly

everyone has their annoying personality quirks. some people have a bad temper. some people are insecure (i mean, moreso than the rest of us). some people lie. mine is a little bit trickier for me to define. it's not exactly a competitive streak, not exactly perfectionism, but it has elements of both. whenever i get involved with something, anything, i have to be in charge of it, i have to be the best one at it, no matter what it happens to be.
 
recently, for instance, there was a senior position open at the place where i work. i got my nose out of joint over the fact that i didn't believe i got the consideration for it that i deserved (maybe i did, maybe i didn't). i managed to get myself quite cross over this and was probably a holy terror to deal with in the office. here's the kicker: i don't really want the job. i mean, everyone likes to be promoted, but i'm actually pretty happy with the balance i've managed to achieve. the fact is, i'd rather come home at the end of the day and have some energy to put into writing, which has always been my primary interest, rather than coming home and wanting to sleep or drink because i can't get my mind out of the office.
 
so why would i want to change that? well, for starters, it seems like there is a lot of pressure on people in general to progress, to move forward. and it's probably easier to move forward in your job, which does take up the majority of your waking hours, if you're employed full time, than it is to pursue personal projects, creative goals, etc. jobs are set up to allow people to progress if they want (and if management wants you to). many other things are not so easy to navigate.
 
where my particular personal foibles come in is that i'm aware of every opportunity for progress that comes in front of me, but i am still learning to sort out which ones are actually worth pursuing. really, what this works out to is that i have trouble prioritising. if you constantly feel the need to be the best person at everything you're doing, it stands to resaon that you're probably not going to succeed very often, because your efforts are going to be spread so thin that there won't be a lot of you going into any of these projects.
 
so this is my project for the coming days, figuring out what opportunities are available to me at the moment and figuring out which ones are really worth my time. guaranteed, most of them are just things that aren't going to make me a better or happier person.

perhaps i'll be able to set aside a few minutes at the office to look at this, since i don't have a boatload of new responsibilities to take care of.
 

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dreamspeak

ok, so i've been lax about posting here. i apologise. there are reasons. i don't know if they'ree good reasons, but they include:


i've had a lot of work to do, which is nice because i'm a freelancer and things tend to slow down in the summer, so the more work i get now, the less i have to worry about later [in theory].i started watching the handmaid's tale. i was a little hesitant because i didn't actually like the novel very much; i found it heavy-handed and predictable. the series relies on the novel for about 80% of its first season plot but i nevertheless find it spellbinding. where i felt that the novel beat readers with its politics, the series does a better job of connecting with the humanity in the midst of politics. i'm dithering on starting season two because i am a serial binger and once i know damn well that starting the second season will soon consign me to the horrors of having to wait a week between episodes. i don't know if i can han…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

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mental health mondays :: separate and not equal

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the united states surgeon general documented the differences between white and non-white mental health care back in 2001 so we can assume that it was already a known problem at that point. two years later, a presidential commission said the same damn thing and groups like the national association for mental health seized on this to develop guidelines on how to bridge the ethnic gap. from the turn of the century through 2007, the number of papers and publications talking about the mental health care gap spiked. the issue was viewed as being on par with obesity when it came to urgent problems.

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