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learning not to fly

everyone has their annoying personality quirks. some people have a bad temper. some people are insecure (i mean, moreso than the rest of us). some people lie. mine is a little bit trickier for me to define. it's not exactly a competitive streak, not exactly perfectionism, but it has elements of both. whenever i get involved with something, anything, i have to be in charge of it, i have to be the best one at it, no matter what it happens to be.
 
recently, for instance, there was a senior position open at the place where i work. i got my nose out of joint over the fact that i didn't believe i got the consideration for it that i deserved (maybe i did, maybe i didn't). i managed to get myself quite cross over this and was probably a holy terror to deal with in the office. here's the kicker: i don't really want the job. i mean, everyone likes to be promoted, but i'm actually pretty happy with the balance i've managed to achieve. the fact is, i'd rather come home at the end of the day and have some energy to put into writing, which has always been my primary interest, rather than coming home and wanting to sleep or drink because i can't get my mind out of the office.
 
so why would i want to change that? well, for starters, it seems like there is a lot of pressure on people in general to progress, to move forward. and it's probably easier to move forward in your job, which does take up the majority of your waking hours, if you're employed full time, than it is to pursue personal projects, creative goals, etc. jobs are set up to allow people to progress if they want (and if management wants you to). many other things are not so easy to navigate.
 
where my particular personal foibles come in is that i'm aware of every opportunity for progress that comes in front of me, but i am still learning to sort out which ones are actually worth pursuing. really, what this works out to is that i have trouble prioritising. if you constantly feel the need to be the best person at everything you're doing, it stands to resaon that you're probably not going to succeed very often, because your efforts are going to be spread so thin that there won't be a lot of you going into any of these projects.
 
so this is my project for the coming days, figuring out what opportunities are available to me at the moment and figuring out which ones are really worth my time. guaranteed, most of them are just things that aren't going to make me a better or happier person.

perhaps i'll be able to set aside a few minutes at the office to look at this, since i don't have a boatload of new responsibilities to take care of.
 

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