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a modest proposal

ok, every four years there is an orgy of sport where canada has a shot at doing something substantial. we can't compete in the summer olympics but, dammit, in the winter olympics, we should be able to accomplish something great. of course, right now, we're having our great white northern hides whipped by a country with a population that's less than that of our largest city. so i think we need to change our focus. canada, with all its creature comforts, may be becoming immune to winter's edge. we no longer have that love of the snow and ice and wind we once did. our skiers go slower, our skaters fall down, it's not pretty.

it's time to participate in a different kind of games. you see, canada's population is becoming increasingly urban. a far greater proportion of our population live in cities than many places in the world, so, in order to capitalise on this strength, i would like to propose:

the urban olympics

lots of events based athletic-ised versions of the crap we have to do every day. here's some suggestions (more always welcome):

dumpster diving (single and team)
running for the bus (the runner must start out running towards a parked bus, which will pull away as soon as the runner gets close enough for the bus driver to get a good look at him/ her)
shovelling (could be adapted to raking leaves for seasonal appeal)
moving furniture up the stairs
carrying groceries (automatic disqualification for broken or torn bags)
highway cycling (complete with cars; bronze medal means you survived, gold medal means you have all your limbs)
commuting (in traffic)
jaywalking
taking the stairs because the elevator is broken (5 floor, 10 floor and 20 floor competitions)
getting ready for work after your alarm doesn't go off

the possibilities are endless and, what's better, we could probably do a lot better than we are are in those other olympics...

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

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