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final will and testament


ok, so i figure i should write this because soon i'm going to be dead. i'm going to weigh about 450 pounds and i'm going to be dead from a heart attack and every artery in my entire body will be completely clogged with fat. around me will be a halo of cookie crumbs in many different flavours.

when you find me, whoever you are, i want you to know that i was killed by the immaculate baking company, whose extraordinary products i was unable to resist. most dangerously, this evil entity have established a fund for the promotion of american folk art, meaning that money raised from the sale of their product also goes to a fine cause. the fact that your money goes towards a worthy end does untold damage to innocent but weak-willed people (like yours truly) by undercutting the guilt we would normally feel if we, say, ate half a bag of rich, buttery pumpkin ginger cookies... drool... slurp...

incidentally, these folks also apparently baked the world's largest cookie in 2003. it was about the size of a boeing 737. right now, i feel like i ate a boeing 737. if you don't see any more posts on this site, please contact the authorities and see that these cookie-murderers get what's coming to them.

Comments

Sonya said…
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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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