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red flags

REDRUM! REDRUM!
the day of the last republican debate, i had to go to the pharmacy to fill one of my prescriptions. i took the medicine shortly afterward and settled in to observe the proceedings. about twenty minutes later, i was about to call the pharmacy and demand to know what prohibited substance they'd actually given me, because i was pretty certain i was tripping balls. 

donald trump was hollering about how george w. bush bore responsibility for 9/11. ted cruz was talking in spanish. marco rubio seemed to have consumed a dangerous number of red bulls before joining his compatriots on stage and john kasich was standing there imploring everyone to get along, sounding a lot like that poor substitute teacher with chalk stains on his pockets and sweaty spots on his shirt who you probably had in junior high school. i'm not sure at what point things went from their usual "ha ha" crazy to "these people need help" crazy. it might have been when the moderator told them he was going to "turn this car around", which i wish he'd followed with "and then no one gets to go to the white house". 

i mean, i'd be somewhat shocked if any of these people gets to go to the white house without a visitor's pass at any point in the near future and the establishment of the republican party has to be wondering where they went wrong. i mean, there were signs of an insurrection against the party annointed four years ago, but they managed to contain it [even though it went on a mad tear through states all across the south that seemed to catch everyone a little off guard]. this time, the safe, dull expected candidate is wallowing in the single digit mire, fighting off candidates like the governor who decided to implement obamacare and the former surgeon who brags about almost attacking his mother with a hammer. 

of course, since the debate, poll-leader trump has had a very public fight with the pope, who said that if trump is serious about his wall-building and refugee-banning ways, then he was no christian. trump responded by saying that the pope was in no position to question anyone's faith, which makes me think that he still hasn't gotten this whole christian thing figured out, because technically, the pope is the only person allowed to question anyone's faith in an official capacity. #teampope

trump has also served a cease and desist order to ted cruz for airing an ad in south carolina that features trump speaking out in favour of a woman's right to choose. i'm not sure what he hopes to gain from this, because it's not like he can claim defamation. he's being quoted verbatim in the ad and i rather doubt that any court in america wants to establish a precedent that saying someone is pro-choice is defamatory. 

of course, cruz has his own problems, what with some dirty tricks showing up in his campaign and a group now suing [what a litigious bunch!] on the grounds that he's ineligible to run for president, being canadian. i have to at least give a sliver of credit that the party isn't being hypocritical; they're indulging in the insane birtherism that they did with obama, perhaps even more so. [that doesn't mean, however, that the obama birther conspiracies weren't racist baloney.]

i have to admit that in the midst of trump's apoplectic anti-bush speech at the debate, i genuinely thought we might see him whip open the curtain and tell everyone that his candidacy was an elaborate practical joke. you know it's coming. 

tomorrow night, the republican candidates line up in south carolina, for the first showdown south of the mason-dixon line. a recent poll indicates that voters there [or a significant portion of republican ones] think that it sucks that they lost the civil war, that all mosques should be shut down and that the united states should ban gays and lesbians, not just muslims. although his bush-whacking in the last debate have cost trump some support, his lead in the polls there is so massive that it would take a miracle to overcome him. then again, ted cruz's father says that ted is anointed by god to become president and there was that little run in with god's representative on earth that we discussed earlier. anti-trump miracles may be in the celestial cards. 

here are my words of not-terribly-well-intended advice: 

jeb! bush :: everyone was really proud of your last debate performance, but mostly because your wealthy donors booed donald trump. seeing you last night on the cnn town hall, it occurred to me that you are, in fact, less capable of thinking on your feet than your brother. yikes. 

ben carson :: hey, you're still here... well, somebody has to come last

ted cruz :: the more people talk about the kind of stunts your campaign is pulling, the more evil it makes you look. you're probably going to do really well. 

john kasich :: i just wanted to tell you that you killed it on your town hall last night. i wanted to tell you because no one else is going to, they're all much too absorbed in what trump said, which wasn't much of substance. if i was going to like one republican candidate this cycle, it would be you. [to give you an idea of what that means, i said the same thing about jon huntsman in 2008.] you're fighting jeb! bush tooth and nail to come in fourth in south carolina. good luck with that.

marco rubio :: welcome back. your debate gaffe seems to have been forgotten after your so very wide awake rebound performance last week. in fact, you have been the chief beneficiary of the trump slump in the last few days, so that you're right in the thick of things with your buddy ted cruz. that said, if you plan on living longer than this primary, please switch to decaf. 

donald trump :: speaking of things that looked like they were about to have a stroke. you went from orange to red like a terrorism warning system on july 3rd. i thought we were going to get a scanners moment live on television. the booing and the polls doesn't seem to have put a dent in your confidence, though. you still cannot stop talking about how awesome everything about you is. whatever semblance of sanity was left in the republican party after 2008 is stuck to your shoe as you run headlong through the political sewer. go right ahead.

so that's it for "republican roundup" this week folks... wait, what's that you say? there's another party involved in this election? oh, yeah, them. they have a caucus on saturday too. and yeah, sanders guy has closed to within 2.5 points of the other one in nevada and within about 5.5 percentage points nationally. and one poll came out this week that actually put him ahead of the clinton lady. that happened.

but i ask you, can these democrats ever be as shamefully entertaining as the republicans?!?

besides, there's plenty of time to get all serious-like about this later in the year. for now, pass the popcorn and turn up the trump. 

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