Skip to main content

paranoid theory of the week [supplementary] :: who's invading texas now?

so it seems i might have spoken a little prematurely about yesterday's paranoid theory having died down. while it does seem that people aren't quite so concerned about the top secret except for truckers and random passers-by chinese military base in mexico, there is indeed a plan afoot to invade texas in the almost immediate future.

what evil foreign power is behind this imminent incursion? the united states. wait, what?

well, it's not the united states so much as barack obama and his cronies. that would be the united states government and their army, who are already situated right in texas and no one has noticed. at least, no one has thought of it as menacing, because those military bases are cleverly disguised as military bases of the country that texas is actually in. [no time for grammar here! it's an emergency!]

the plan is apparently to place texas under martial law. why? we don't have time for logical questions here!

of course, there's no way that the largest and best equipped army could subdue one of its member states all on its own, so the obamadministration [no time for spaces between words either!] has joined forces with the mexican army, the mexican drug cartels and isis, all of whom are apparently operating out of a place just a few miles away from el paso.

you know what's just a few miles away from el paso? mexico. and the mexican army is like right there as if they own the place. clearly, the only purpose that the mexican army could have being deployed inside one of the most violent areas of the world and a battleground for vicious drug cartels is invading texas.

yesterday, i characterized the conspiracy theory that the chinese army had a huge base inside mexico as being "strictly for the hardcore". and clearly, the idea that there's been a foreign power on mexican soil [other than the united states] for over a decade is completely preposterous, which is why even die hard conspiracy buffs don't tend to believe it. the idea that obama, isis and mexican drug cartels are about to place texas under martial law, however, is completely acceptable and boasts at least one extremely high profile believer: texas governor wayne "greg" abbott, who's concerned enough that he's mobilized the national guard to keep an eye on these american military installations in his state.

apparently the smoking guns for this theory are literally smoking guns, because there are mexican drug lords and islamic terrorsts running around with american military weapons. it's not like you can get those just anywhere, people. there's no black market for weaponry. [note :: the author of this blog is not responsible for what happens to your brain if you click that last link. you're on your own. like texas.] there's also the matter of several wal-marts that have been closed and are just sitting there, as if they're all innocent. [ok, quite honestly, if i were going to train an insurgent army, an abandoned wal-mart is exactly the place i'd choose to go. i've said too much.]

the other big deal is that this story has the backing of the king of conspiracy theorists, alex jones. and here he is interviewing former congressman and presidential candidate ron paul on the subject earlier this week. [spoiler alert: paul seems a little uncomfortable with the topic, as if he isn't yet entirely convinced of the encroaching evil.]



current presidential candidate ted cruz has expressed some concerns about the military installations and has asked the pentagon about it. [you fool! now they'll know you're on to them!]

so to recap:

old and tired :: chinese military massing along the mexican border.

new hotness :: obama, isis, mexicans preparing to put texas under martial law.

now you know.

Comments

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

mental health mondays :: pop quiz

those of you who are friends of mine on facebook [that might look a little weird to those of you seeing this post on facebook] may have seen my weekly "sunday quiz time", where i just ask random questions in the name of stimulating conversation. after doing that this week, i ended up taking a very wide variety of quizzes on mental floss, which made me a little smug about my knowledge of geography and a little rattled about my knowledge of the finer points of grammar. [i want to say, in my defense, that the one grammar quiz i found was really f**king hard. is that last sentence grammatically correct? i don't know. i have no confidence in my grammar anymore.]

i got so into answering questions about just about anything that i thought it might be fun to apply that format to mental health mondays. i've already done links to quizzes about various mental disorders and how to tell if you have them [i think it turned out i had all of them], but i wanted to do a special set of…

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…