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strange birds, 2015 edition

a few years back, i did a post about the misogyningoistic horror that is the costume portion of the miss universe competition. although it was one of the more popular posts on the blog, i haven't returned to the subject since then, mostly because i haven't made much of an effort to see if the pageant is still happening, but also because i assumed that the national costume portion had been canceled after all the birds were exterminated.

this weekend, i found out that things continue to go strong and that, if anything, they've gotten weirder. the point of this contest seems to be to let the judges get to know something about your country and to let them see how it could be turned into a spiffing outfit. but eventually, people got tired of wearing lederhosen, cowgirl outfits or a bottle of single malt, so they got imaginative. and when they got imaginative, things got weird. i'm not sure what any of these ladies or their costumers thought they were communicating about their national identity, but in most cases the message that i'm getting is "never come here, it is is horrible".

if you want to see wittier and more comprehensive coverage, you should check out tom and lorenzo, who have something to say about everyone. for my part, i just thought we could play a little game called "what are you getting at?"

well, for one thing, there does once again seem to be an overwhelming global message of "fuck birds". i can only assume that many countries have grown sick of cleaning guano from their public spaces and have decided that they will send their beauty emissaries forth clad in all the goddamned birds. to whit:


 
a giant spinning hypnowheel of seagulls?

we could have stopped at the dress, but then nothing would have been killed
who weeps for the loss of the creme de menthe cockatiel?

wild turkey
you see them too, right? i think one of them just winked at me
miss costa rica apparently decided to make a statement in favour of letting the occasional bird live by letting her four year old brother do a little artist's rendition instead...

although on closer inspection, those birds do look dead
other beauties adopted the theme of "products you didn't know we made".

korea = those flags you hang everywhere during the olympics and the world cup

curacao = those shooters you'll regret tomorrow morning.
slovenia = toilet brushes
finland = meringues

singapore = hookers with big dreams

lithuania = sheer window treatments [psst... we can see all the way to vilnius!!!]
turks and caicos = plastic wrap
ireland = blood and vomit
british virgin islands :: cheap arabian lamp knockoffs. or large golden dildos. i'm not sure.
peru = uh... neck damage?

then of course, there are those countries who us the opportunity to tell the world something it never knew about them...


australia :: the sun shines from our behind
russia :: we stole the pope's hat. seriously.

guam :: everything here is made of paper
guyana :: our national animal is very sparkly. also vicious if provoked.
  
dominican republic :: the emphasis is on the dominicans

trinidad and tobago :: split personality by name, split personality by nature

of course some ladies just had to arse everything up and go boring and traditional...

miss sweden wore her confirmation dress. maybe half a point for the candle hat.
miss greece distracts with her beauty while her home country detonates the e.u.
miss portugal says women in her country are built to make rugby tackles
of course, the way their men fight, i guess they need to be: 


and now a special award for the ladies who obviously had no help at all from their parents...

miss sri lanka used all the leftover wrapping paper
miss gabon wants you to know it's not a pair of green hands.
miss nigeria twisted the pipe cleaners herself!
and miss lebanon was careful to remove the curtain rod first
miss germany thinks you should just look at her balloons
miss nigeria's mom was originally supposed to use the yarn to knit a proper costume...
"i'm idaho!" [actually miss turkey, not that it makes any difference]
my major wish was that my own country would avoid embarrassing us all by tarting up some white chick from a mississauga in "traditional native dress" once again. of course, it did not occur to me that they would find a new and shocking way to humiliate us...


and kate was never allowed to mock another nation for as long as she lived. the end.

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