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stand back, c.i.a., i'll handle this

while i can't say that i was surprised by the contents of the recently released "torture report", detailing the various means by which the american central intelligence agency and their military counterparts dragged ultimately useless information from prisoners. if college fraternities can get shut down for hazing, i see absolutely no reason why the central intelligence agency should be able to keep its charter after this fiasco. i've never been a fan of the agency. i think that the world would be a better, safer, more peaceful place if they had never existed. nothing in the "torture report" surprised me, because nothing in it went beyond claims i've already seen documented about c.i.a. activities. it did introduce me to the term "rectal hydration", which is supposedly some sort of medical procedure. what josef mengele did were medical procedures as well.

however, another thing i hate is seeing people screw up a relatively easy job. what i hate even more is seeing them screw up a job that i could have done a lot better. i'm not a supporter of torture through music, but if i had to do it, i could sure as shit come up with a way better playlist than the tight-assed pencil-pushers who were apparently tasked with finding the most disturbing, disquieting, unbearable sounds that humans could create [well, more on that later]. when was the last time any of these people even bought music?

choices included a lot of pop music [christina aguilera, matchbox 20, the beegees], some hip hop [eminem, tupac], a sprinkling of children's music and, of course, some metal. well, rage against the machine and metallica, which don't really count. there was one song by deicide, which i'm guessing was a suggestion made after someone thought to google "most evil music ever". you can see a list of songs used here, with "deicide" misspelled as "decide", just to show how on the ball everyone was. [i'm also going to venture that everyone assumed that all these detainees only ever listened to islamic religious music. because if any of the prisoners happened to have a secret love of hip hop or metal because of its subversive history and imagery, the c.i.a. were basically arranging a prison dance party.]

i should really be charging for this, but for all you government spy-drone bozos out searching the internet for signs of free thought, here is the soundtrack you need to get the next time you think you're going to spook someone with sounds. [and i better not find out you downloaded it illegally you hypocritical dipshits!!!!!]

einst├╝rzende neubauten :: armenia
i'm pretty sure hearing this could convince anyone they were in hell's vestibule.

burl ives :: holly jolly christmas
guaranteed to offend both the beliefs and hearing of islamic extremists. 

diamanda galas :: plague mass trilogy
it's a woman. shrieking and howling. quoting large sections of the old testament. for three albums. [link only goes to part one.]

winterkalte :: sustainability
really, there's a lot of winterkalte that fits the bill; this is just an example. crank it up.

alvin and the chipmunks :: christmas song
high-pitched sounds are abrasive to the human ear.

clock dva :: the sonology of sex
all religion involves some level of sexual repression and religious extremists are extremely repressed. this is just going to crack open all that backed up stuff and let it coming pouring like acid into the brain. [while you're at it, try "the connection machine". sure, it's just chopped up bits of coppola's "the conversation" set to creepy background music, but most prisoners aren't going to know that. hell, most c.i.a. agents aren't going to know it either.]

controlled bleeding :: knees and bones
you could probably start with this and get whatever information you wanted if you play it at loud enough volume right away, but that would spoil your fun.

the owls
who the hell said it had to be music of any sort? that link is to a series of owl calls, some of which are going to be pretty creepy if you here them in the middle of the night in the dark. lots of animals make lots of scary sounds. find them. [find already existing ones, assholes. if you hurt animals to obtain them, i will find you.]

naked city :: demon sanctuary
it might only be forty-two seconds long, but i can pretty much guarantee that you will have their undivided attention when it's over. not only does it have an intense blast of jazz-noise-scronk and the dulcet tones of erstwhile boredoms vocalist yamatsuka eye, but there's even a hint of zorn's jewish heritage sprinkled in. i'm spoiling you people.

frankie yankovic :: beer barrel polka
well, in case you were worried that smattering of judaica would go unnoticed, we might as well bring out the big sonic guns. i can't think of anyone better than weird al's dad to ramp things up a little.

incapacitants :: ministry of foolishness
the whole twenty-odd minutes at maximum volume. mercy is for the weak.

whitehouse :: i'm coming up your ass
practically perfect in every way!

nurse with wound :: dueling banjos
if you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em? trust me, by the end of this, they'll be so confused you'll be lucky if they don't think you're their parents.

in heaven everything is fine
you could also just play the entirety of the eraserhead soundtrack. or make them watch eraserhead.

so there you go, central not-much-intelligence-after-all agency. i've just come up with a list off the top of my head that's about a thousand times more effective than anything you dreamt up and, moreover, i was limited to tracks for which i could find videos. i can do worse. i can do far worse. you don't want to know how much worse i can do. furthermore, i didn't choose shit that sounds like you're flipping the dial during drive-time.

as i said, i think that the entire c.i.a. needs to be shut down. i think its leaders past and present need to stand trial for what they've done- not just the things covered in this latest report, but all the horrible things they've done. and when the government is finished dismantling this monster, perhaps they should hire some people for intelligence work who are actually competent. because if the agency is this bad at doing something as simple as picking out a song list, imagine how bad they are at the difficult stuff.

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