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i need to be happy with the man i am

as i previously posted, i found out on the internet that i'm apparently a man. this came as a bit of a surprise to me and dominic still doesn't seem to accept it, but dozens of ukrainian ladies can't be wrong, right? i continue to get emails from lots of them saying that they never approach men on the internet, but that they felt that i was different. [they're not wrong about that. -ed.]

this week, fair adriana [whose parents clearly intended that she would be either a die hard goth princess or a porn star], emailed me several times with this message:

i thought that the first question was some sort of survey like "how do you happen to become or feel sexy?" until i realised that her excitement about contacting me was such that she'd omitted a comma. hey, at least she got "you're" right.

of course, i don't remember her from facebook, probably because we've never encountered each other on facebook or anywhere else. how do i know this? because she seems really excited about the prospect of giving me a blow job and even a quick glance at me would be enough to let her know that that plan just wasn't going to work.

but immediately after i started receiving her messages, i got this one:

so maybe the problem is that i haven't noticed that i'm a man because i haven't taken these pills? is it possible that adriana and her ukrainian friends know something that i don't? am i just a man with exceptionally little to brag about? to be fair, the increase would have to be amazing for me to pass as male and there are still a couple of things that i'd have to explain, but hey...these sorts of things have to be regulated, i'm certain...

then i realised that i'd feel a little more comfortable about the whole thing if that name didn't look suspiciously like something from an ikea catalogue.

i don't think i ever got the right number of screws with my bënno cabinets and there are certain places where an allen key just shouldn't go.

so whatever the promise of those pills, i'm afraid that everyone will just have to take me as i am. and they'll have to explain what that is to me, because by now even the basic stuff has got me confused. 


as long as you're here, why not read more?

making faces :: soft touch

ah winter, how my lips hate you. it's too bad, really, because the rest of me likes winter, down to about -12 or so. but there's no arguing that i get dried out. nuxe rêve de miel is my super best friend at this time of year, even more so than otherwise. [i gave bite's agave lip mask a try only to find out i'm allergic to something in it.] but our [still] new apartment is somewhat drier than the old one [electric vs hot water heating], which meant that, for a long stretch, virtually every kind of lipstick was uncomfortable. the horror. [i wrote a post a while back about the formulas that are friendliest to chapped lips.]

faced with this dilemma, i decided to try something not exactly new, but [for me], out of the ordinary: being a gloss girl. now, i don't mind glosses. i buy them from time to time, and i used to buy more until i discovered that i just wasn't using them near enough to justify the continued purchases. my issues with glosses are that they feather…


i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:

am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: a lip for all seasons [winter edition]

it seems oddly canadian to have two posts in a row about winter/ cold/ snow, but they're obviously unrelated. after all, for most people winter is a season, but in colour analysis terms, winter is part of what you are, an effect of the different wavelengths that comprise the physical part of the thing known as "you". this might be getting a little heady for a post about lipstick. moving on...

if you've perused the other entries in this series without finding something that really spoke to you [figuratively- lipsticks shouldn't actually speak to you- get help], you may belong in one of the winter seasons. winter, like summer, is cool in tone; like spring, it is saturated; like autumn, it is dark. that combination of elements creates a colour palette [or three] that reads as very "strong" to most. and on people who aren't part of the winter group, such a palette would look severe. the point of finding a palette that reads "correctly" on you…