Skip to main content

more like space greatest hits :: i would like to not talk about my bum

since the overly pert pervert hawking these shame towlettes has reappeared on my television set, i figure i'm allowed to make this post reappear on my blog.

*

i mostly just tune out advertising when i watch television. although i'm sure it makes some impression, i perceive the bulk of it as background noise. i'm sure i couldn't tell you what products most of the ads were for, because it's all a jumble of cars, insurance, travel sites and stuff that you need because you have children. for me to remember an ad takes something pretty special.

a couple of years ago, for instance, fed ex had an absolutely charming ad with animated singing frogs and scenes from a happy forest that talked about the company's efforts to reduce emissions and their carbon footprint. aw. that was cute.

more recently, however, i've been haunted by the spectre of a perky blonde woman with a british accent demanding to talk about my bum. i don't know her and i don't know why my posterior should be of such interest to her, or what she's getting paid to be forever tagged as the woman who's obsessed with ass-chat, but one thing has become clear: she is evil and must be stopped.

ok, maybe she isn't evil, i've never even met her. i'm a little uncomfortable with her predilections, but i try not to judge. [note: i can't help it. if you go around demanding to talk to people about their wazoo, i am judging you. i'm sorry.] but whatever she is, she is flogging a product whose sole purpose is to destroy the planet and everything on it.

you might think that i'm exaggerating when i say that cottonelle wet wipes spell the end of civilisation as we know it, but stay with me.

first of all, these new "flushable" wet wipes are the antithesis of everything that environmentalists have been telling us for the last half century. in order to use them, you are supposed to wipe the area with regular toilet paper, follow with a wet wipe and then wipe with toilet paper again. a one-step, one-product process becomes triple the work and triple the garbage goes down the toilet. congratulations, you are now truly wiping your ass with your own future. forests are being destroyed, chemicals are being leached into the soil, all so that we can walk around secure in the knowledge that our buttholes are minty fresh.

second of all, the entire point of this campaign seems to be to layer shame on top of already extant shame about the filthiness of our own bodies. because if some chipper lady needs to talk to you about the state of the arsehole, it's clear that there's a problem. wipe all you want, shower twice a day. the fact is that your back passage is less than pristine and this complete stranger can tell without so much as sticking her nose in your pants.

history teaches us many lessons and among them is that people do horrible, disgusting things to each other when they feel they have things to be ashamed of. how long do you think it's going to be before some powerful organisation foists the anal inquisition on all of us? bleach enemas! self-fumigating underpants! this is the future, people and it may be clean, but it's still ugly.

i for one, will be abstaining from this terrifying new trend and attending to my back passage the old-fashioned way. well, the toilet paper way at least. anything more old-fashioned than that gives me the heebie-jeebies.

here, watch the fed ex ad. it's adorable.

Comments

as long as you're here, why not read more?

fun-raising

no, i am not dead, nor have i been lying incapacitated in a ditch somewhere. i've mostly been preparing for our imminent, epic move, which is actually not so terribly epic, because we found a place quite close to where we are now. in addition, i've been the beneficiary of an inordinately large amount of paying work, which does, sadly, take precedence over blogging, even though you know i'd always rather be with you.

indeed, with moving expenses and medical expenses looming on the horizon, more than can be accounted for even with the deepest cuts in the lipstick budget, dom and i recently did something that we've not done before: we asked for help. last week, we launched a fundraising campaign on go fund me. it can be difficult to admit that you need a helping hand, but what's been overwhelming for both of us is how quick to respond so many people we know have been once we asked. it's also shocking to see how quickly things added up.

most of all, though, the ex…

losers?

just a short time ago, i waxed prosaic about trump supporters who felt betrayed by their candidate pursuing in office the exact things that he said he would. short version: i have no sympathy.

today is a bit different. in the wake of america's bombing of a syrian air strip, in response to a chemical weapons attack by the syrian government, my facebook and twitter feeds were peppered with plaintive shades of "we believed you". these are the people who heard trump say that he wanted the united states to step back and focus on defending its own. indeed, trump did say such things, over and over; america cannot be the policeman of the world. even arch-liberal cynics like me had to admit that this was a refreshing argument to hear from someone outside the paul family, and, could easily have been turned into trump's greatest argument against hillary clinton. [he chose to go another way, which also worked.]

trump also said, repeatedly, that america needed to invest heavily …

long division

after the united states election last year, there were the usual calls for the country to unite behind the new president. that never happens anymore, because, since george w. bush scored a victory in 2004, having launched the country into a war in iraq for no reason, the people on the losing side of a presidential election have been pretty bloody angry about it. democrats hated bush 43. republicans really hated obama. democrats really hate trump.

it didn't help that trump didn't make the typical conciliatory gestures like including a couple of members of the opposite party in his cabinet, or encouraging his party to proceed slowly with contentious legislation. barack obama arguably wasted at least two and as many as six years of his tenure as president trying to play peacemaker before he felt sufficiently safe to just say "screw you guys" and start governing around the ridiculous congress he was forced to deal with. not-giving-a-shit obama was the best president in …