Skip to main content

more like space greatest hits :: i would like to not talk about my bum

since the overly pert pervert hawking these shame towlettes has reappeared on my television set, i figure i'm allowed to make this post reappear on my blog.

*

i mostly just tune out advertising when i watch television. although i'm sure it makes some impression, i perceive the bulk of it as background noise. i'm sure i couldn't tell you what products most of the ads were for, because it's all a jumble of cars, insurance, travel sites and stuff that you need because you have children. for me to remember an ad takes something pretty special.

a couple of years ago, for instance, fed ex had an absolutely charming ad with animated singing frogs and scenes from a happy forest that talked about the company's efforts to reduce emissions and their carbon footprint. aw. that was cute.

more recently, however, i've been haunted by the spectre of a perky blonde woman with a british accent demanding to talk about my bum. i don't know her and i don't know why my posterior should be of such interest to her, or what she's getting paid to be forever tagged as the woman who's obsessed with ass-chat, but one thing has become clear: she is evil and must be stopped.

ok, maybe she isn't evil, i've never even met her. i'm a little uncomfortable with her predilections, but i try not to judge. [note: i can't help it. if you go around demanding to talk to people about their wazoo, i am judging you. i'm sorry.] but whatever she is, she is flogging a product whose sole purpose is to destroy the planet and everything on it.

you might think that i'm exaggerating when i say that cottonelle wet wipes spell the end of civilisation as we know it, but stay with me.

first of all, these new "flushable" wet wipes are the antithesis of everything that environmentalists have been telling us for the last half century. in order to use them, you are supposed to wipe the area with regular toilet paper, follow with a wet wipe and then wipe with toilet paper again. a one-step, one-product process becomes triple the work and triple the garbage goes down the toilet. congratulations, you are now truly wiping your ass with your own future. forests are being destroyed, chemicals are being leached into the soil, all so that we can walk around secure in the knowledge that our buttholes are minty fresh.

second of all, the entire point of this campaign seems to be to layer shame on top of already extant shame about the filthiness of our own bodies. because if some chipper lady needs to talk to you about the state of the arsehole, it's clear that there's a problem. wipe all you want, shower twice a day. the fact is that your back passage is less than pristine and this complete stranger can tell without so much as sticking her nose in your pants.

history teaches us many lessons and among them is that people do horrible, disgusting things to each other when they feel they have things to be ashamed of. how long do you think it's going to be before some powerful organisation foists the anal inquisition on all of us? bleach enemas! self-fumigating underpants! this is the future, people and it may be clean, but it's still ugly.

i for one, will be abstaining from this terrifying new trend and attending to my back passage the old-fashioned way. well, the toilet paper way at least. anything more old-fashioned than that gives me the heebie-jeebies.

here, watch the fed ex ad. it's adorable.

Comments

as long as you're here, why not read more?

dj kali & mr. dna @ casa del popolo post-punk night

last night was a blast! a big thank you to dj tyg for letting us guest star on her monthly night, because we had a great time. my set was a little more reminiscent of the sets that i used to do at katacombes [i.e., less prone to strange meanderings than what you normally hear at the caustic lounge]. i actually invited someone to the night with the promise "don't worry, it'll be normal". which also gives you an idea of what to expect at the caustic lounge. behold my marketing genius.

mr. dna started off putting the "punk" into the night [which i think technically means i was responsible for the post, which doesn't sound quite so exciting]. i'd say that he definitely had the edge in the bouncy energy department.

many thanks to those who stopped in throughout the night to share in the tunes, the booze and the remarkably tasty nachos and a special thank you to the ska boss who stuck it out until the end of the night and gave our weary bones a ride home…

it continues... [part one]

so we're back at it with the democratic debates. last night saw cnn take their first crack at presenting ten candidates on one stage after msnbc led the charge last month. a lot of people were critical of the first debate because it seemed there were moments when moderators got such tunnel vision about keeping things moving that they stopped thinking about what was happening on stage. [the prime example being kamala harris having to insist that she be allowed to speak on the issue of racism, being the only person of colour on stage.] the other problem that many identified was that the time given to candidates wasn't even close to equal. i feel like cnn wasn't a lot better with the former, although they avoided any serious gaffes, and that they did an excellent job of fixing the latter. [that said, some of the outlying candidates might be wishing they hadn't had as much time as they did.] as with last time, i'll start off with a few general observations.

how importa…

imperfect ten

whatever you've heard about the democratic contenders' debate that happened thursday, i would hereby like to tell you to ignore it and, if you have the time, go and watch as much of it as you can [stand]. the biggest story coming out of the debate should really be the appalling talking points that the mainstream media have latched onto, especially the ten-second battle between julian castro and joe biden over healthcare. that literally might have been the least consequential thing that happened all night and i'm including the ad breaks.

ten candidates is still too many a lot but this is the first time that we've had the heaviest hitters all hitting each other. at the same time, they also took somewhat stronger shots at donald trump than they had before [some more than others]. the debate was a full three hours but, unlike the cnn debates where i spent the last half hour or so throwing money at my television in a desperate bid to bribe the moderators to wrap it up quic…