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now with more disturbingness

so consensus is that this cough i have sounds awful and that it sounds like something considerably worse than what would generally be called a cold. it sounds bronchial. so on top of taking medicine to rid me of bronchii-related illness, i've had to return to my old friend the symbicort inhaler. it does a bang-up job of dealing with the bronchitis in the short term, because it's a type of steroid that forces those little airways open whether they want to or not. and the only side effect is that i feel like i swallowed a bag of cheap speed for several hours afterward.

so i'm no longer coughing very much, but i'm all like

HEY LET'S GO TO VEGAS AND PLAY CRAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LUCKY, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CRAPS AND WHEN YOU KEEP SAYING CRAPS IT SOUNDS PRETTY AWFUL LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D DO ON A BET, WHICH IS FUNNY, SINCE YOU DO BET ON IT AND THERE'S DICE INVOLVED AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT, SO I'D BE ALL "WOOHOO GO DICE!" AND I'D THROW THEM AND THEN I'D HAVE TO ASK THE DICE GUY WHO'S CALLED A CROUPIER, WHICH IS IRONIC SINCE IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE WHO DEALS WITH THE CROUP AND I HAD THE CROUP WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND ANYWAY I'D HAVE TO ASK HIM IF THAT WAS A GOOD ROLL OR NOT BECAUSE I'D HAVE NO IDEA AND HE'D BE ALL LIKE "YEAH, YOU WON" AND I'D BE LIKE "AWESOME! LET'S GO GET HOOKERS AND BLOW AND LET'S RENT A FERRARI AND SEE HOW FAST WE CAN DRIVE IT BEFORE THE COPS COME AND THEN WE'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF FOR MEXICO BECAUSE THE COPS WOULD COME AND WE HAVE A RENTED FERRARI FULL OF HOOKERS AND BLOW EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH RENTING A FERRARI AND HOOKERS ARE LEGAL IN LAS VEGAS AND THEY LEAVE THESE CALLING CARDS THAT LOOK LIKE BASEBALL CARDS EVERYWHERE AND YOU CAN PLAY THE LAS VEGAS GAME WHERE YOU JUST GO GATHERING ALL THE CARDS WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND SEE WHO GETS THE BEST ONES BUT HAVING BLOW IS STILL ILLEGAL SO WE NEED TO GET TO THE BORDER, BUT WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET TO THE BORDER, SO WE JUST END UP IN THE DESERT SOMEWHERE PASSED OUT AND GETTING A SUNBURN AND THEN WE'D HAVE TO COME BACK BECAUSE THE HOOKERS WOULD BE ALL LIKE "WHY DID YOU EVEN HIRE US?" AND WE'D BE ALL "THIS IS BAT COUNTRY! WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO LAS VEGAS!" AND WE'D HAVE TO DROP THE CAR OFF IN SECRET BECAUSE IT WAS REPORTED STOLEN WHEN WE DIDN'T RETURN IT ON TIME AND THEN WE'D GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND ORDER A THOUSAND DOLLAR BOTTLE OF SCOTCH FROM ROOM SERVICE BECAUSE WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT A THOUSAND DOLLAR BOTTLE OF SCOTCH TASTES LIKE AND THEN WE'D GO "HEY, WHERE IS ALL THE MONEY WE WON? OH MY GOD! WE FORGOT TO COLLECT THE MONEY! WHERE IS THE TICKET? WE CAN'T FIND THE TICKET! DID THE HOOKERS TAKE THE TICKET? WE HAVE TO FIND THE HOOKERS AND GET THEM TO GIVE US THE TICKET!" AND WE WON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND THE HOOKERS, BECAUSE WE CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES AND THEN WE'LL REALISE THAT WE LEFT THE ROOM WITHOUT CANCELLING THE THOUSAND DOLLAR BOTTLE OF SCOTCH AND THEN WE'LL KNOW THAT WE CAN'T GO BACK THERE, SO WE'LL JUST KEEP GRABBING EVERY BLONDE GIRL WE SEE AND DEMANDING IF SHE HAS OUR TICKET EVEN THOUGH WE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER IF EITHER OF THE HOOKERS WAS BLONDE AND WEREN'T THEY WEARING TOTAL HOOKERWIGS ANYWAY AND..."

which makes my boss look at me quizzically and say "i just asked how the advertising copy was coming. do you need help?"

and i say "uh, yeah. i'm working on it. but this is funnier than anything i'm going to write, even though it might have been written by an eight year old."



that's the state of my health right now. you're probably happier than usual that you don't have to be around me.

[thanks to dom for letting me know about the video above. and for putting up with me.]

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