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ruining your life, one blog post at a time

i've alluded to what i do for a living at various times, although out of respect for my employer's privacy and their right not to be embarrassed by being associated with me, i don't get too specific. however today, i feel the need to get a little more specific than usual.

part of my job involves reviewing materials written by scientists- mainly biochemists and naturopathic doctors- to "translate" them into marketing language or just to make sure that people who aren't scientifically inclined can follow along. i'd like to add that this is normally one of the most interesting parts of my jobs, because despite my general artiness, i've long had an interest in chemistry and particularly organic chemistry. there's something so perfect about how it works, each element constantly seeking balance... i think it might be because i'm a libra.

but today, while reviewing a presentation dealing with skin and the various remarkable things it does, i came across something that i really wish i hadn't. the skin is truly amazing in so many ways. even if you're not concerned about appearances, you should try to keep it in good shape, because you're way more dependent on its good health than you might realise. in fact, you should take a moment right now and give your skin a kiss to show it how much you appreciate how hard it's working. i say to do it now, because you might not want to once you're finished reading.

as i was perusing the presentation in front of me this morning, i came a across a notation about how skin is important in eliminating toxins in the body. we know that already, it clears out toxins by sweating. but in brackets next to this was written "= urine 10x diluted".

that's right. that healthy glow you're sporting when you go to the gym, that sexy sweat you work up with a loved one [or lusted one] in bed, that dampness that speaks of hard work... it's your body peeing all over itself. 

yes, it's diluted, but to put that in perspective, that means that wiping your brow is kind of like sticking your hand in the toilet before you flush.

so now that you can't un-know what i've just told you, i hope you have fun tonight as you attempt to plug every pore in your body with antiperspirant. [you'll probably die if you succeed, but you won't die covered in your own pee, if that makes you feel any better.]

remember that information is power; the power to be disgusted with everyone you see.

Comments

Martin Rouge said…
It don't bother me none, for two basic reasons: biologically, urine is sterile when it leaves the body; and spiritually, urine is a bodily fluid accepted for sacraments. So ironically, satanists pissing on a church altar are actually blessing it according to christian dogma.

Science!
I made peace with sweat after I began dancing Argentine Tango. It is next to impossible to dance in one crowded space, sometimes with little to no rest, so after a certain point you wrap your arm around your new partner only to discover their entire back has gotten a heavy layer of sweat. How much sweat you are in contact with depends on if you are dancing in an open embrace (anywhere from a full arm's length apart to half an arm's length) or close embrace (chests together, follower's whole arm touching the leader's back), which is much easier. Guys normally don't have much contact with mine because my lower back gets most sweaty and the guy's arm would be just beneath my shoulder blades. Yes it's gross but I prefer to have a strong connection that is easy to follow than avoid the ick.

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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who doesn't love velvet? i know when i was younger, i used to, as george costanza longed to, "drape myself in velvet" and although that phase passed with time, i still think that the plush fabric has to be one of the high points of human achievement, up there with interior heating, advanced medicine and vodka. so to me, it's no surprise that one of the most hotly anticipated launches in the cosmetic world is chanel's new "rouge allure velvet" lipstick line, because even the name immediately makes me want to put it on my lips.

on a more concrete level, chanel describes these lipsticks as "luminous matte", which is sort of like the holy grail for lipstick lovers. we all want those intense, come-hither film noir lips, the sort where young men and sunlight are lost and never heard from again, but historically [including during the making of those films], applying a matte lipstick felt sort of like colouring in your lips with an old crayon that had…