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dear america

hi, it's me. we've spoken about the 2012 election. i still bemoan the loss of "the republicans", my absolute favourite television show. i was able to enjoy it then because i was content in the belief that there was no chance in hell that you were actually going elect one of those clowns, but since i see that the scales have, improbably, started to tip in mitt romney's favour, i feel it's time we had a little talk about you, your leadership choices and the rest of the world.

now i don't mean to pick at one of your historical scabs, but do you remember that previous guy? the one who nobody but you ever liked? i'll admit, we were occasionally a little nasty about the way we let you know our opinions.



but we want you to understand: there were reasons we thought that way. that guy had a tendency to start wars in places he knew nothing about for reasons only he understood. he wasn't much interested in finance and so he figured he'd just let the money guys do what they wanted, which they did. that fucks our shit up, if you'll pardon my french. it raises our gas prices and kills our exports and slows our economy. not yours- or, rather, not just yours, because god knows you got hit bad as well- but ours. and we don't want that. we didn't want it then and we sure as hell aren't ready to go through it again.

and we don't seriously think that you want to go through it again.

you just need to remember how we all got to this point and you need to remember how the last guy just sort of let things unravel to the point where all the houses in your country were worth about $98 collectively. and you have to remember that no one on that guy's team seemed to be too worried that the bottom was about to fall out of the economy while they were spending your national rainy day fund on not tracking down osama bin laden.

yeah, the last four years have been less than stellar. things are far from being back where they were. if you concentrate, you can probably remember that amidst the chaos and jubilation that was election night 2008, the guy you elected mentioned about how long and hard the road ahead would be. or perhaps you remember his rather bleak inaugural address. the point is, he was actually right. not that he's been right about everything or lived up to the promise that we all thought he showed, but he was dead-on about that. the way back for all of us is going to be hard and you know what? we may never get back. or it may take a lot longer than it ever has before, because no one's going to start a world war to give one country's economy a shot in the arm. 

so yeah, we recognise that the current guy isn't necessarily what you imagined, but look at it this way: if you were starving and went to a place where you were offered the choice of a seared salmon filet or eating the contents of the septic tank, would you let your decision be guided by the fact that you didn't much like the smell of fish?

don't eat the septic tank, america. because your bad decisions make the rest of us sick, too.

Comments

Shadowy Lady said…
lol, I love your posts! I'm kinda worried about the elections to be honest. Just the thought of a republican in the office down south and a conservative in the office here totally disagrees with my liberal values. I think if that happens I shall move to the land down under :/
Kate MacDonald said…
It did occur to me that if our southern neighbours want a conservative so much, that we could just switch leaders and be done with it.

Personally, I suspect that the whole American election is a conspiracy on the part of comedians, who miss having a president that made writing jokes easy.

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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