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ask a coffee expert

people often ask me "how much coffee is too much?" sometimes, i growl and punch them, because i clearly haven't had enough coffee. when i have had enough coffee, i tell them that the answer is complicated, because how much coffee is enough varies greatly from person to person. the best way to determine whether or not you have had too much coffee or just enough is to ask yourself a few key questions:

1. have you had coffee today?
yes. proceed to question #2
no. have coffee.

2. a. does your head hurt?
yes. proceed to question 2b.
no. proceed to question 3.

2.b.possible reasons for headache
- caffeine deprived. have coffee.
- hungover. have coffee. if badly hungover, add plenty of milk. try not to wallow in regret and shame all day.
- lack of sleep. have coffee. you'll need it to get through your day.
- unknown. you might think better if you poured yourself a nice cup of coffee.

3.a. are you drinking coffee right now?
yes. proceed to question 3b.
no. proceed to question 3c.

3.b. how do you feel?
- upbeat and awake. you're doing it right! you're also probably irritating people. hold steady until your energy starts to ebb. then drink more coffee.
- cynical and embittered. continuing to drink coffee is probably the best look for you. also try taking up smoking and affecting a parisian accent.
- shaky and sick to your stomach. you probably need to eat something. enjoy a muffin or other tasty baked good with your coffee.
- irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. it's possible your needs have progressed beyond coffee. consider going to an emergency ward. have a coffee in the waiting room.

3.c. why not?
- already had coffee today. look, are you going to take this seriously or not? lightweight.
- no coffee available. switch locations immediately. move to another city if necessary.
- feel shaky and sick to your stomach. see 3b above.
- getting irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. see 3b above.

4. if you feel a dampness on your chest or shoulder
- your travel mug is leaking. you're wasting coffee! replace mug and get more coffee right away. sue manufacturer.
- you are crying. caffeine is a stimulant and will help overcome feelings of depression. have a cup of coffee, you poor thing.
- you are asleep and drooling on yourself. you need coffee!

5. have you consumed a lethal dose of caffeine for your body weight today?
yes. maybe you don't need to have coffee right now. if you can control the shaking, consider calling 911.
no.  it's a great day to be you! have coffee!

celebration time!

Comments

Biba said…
I definitely need a cup of coffee now!
morelikespace said…
Let's all have one!
Anonymous said…
While I cannot brag about copious amounts of coffee that I do take, I can say that my wife makes a mean cup and it makes me unmean. She is wize.
morelikespace said…
Yes, wise is the spouse who knows how to wish you "good morning" by handing you a perfect cup of coffee and then hiding until it kicks in...

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