Skip to main content

ask a coffee expert

people often ask me "how much coffee is too much?" sometimes, i growl and punch them, because i clearly haven't had enough coffee. when i have had enough coffee, i tell them that the answer is complicated, because how much coffee is enough varies greatly from person to person. the best way to determine whether or not you have had too much coffee or just enough is to ask yourself a few key questions:

1. have you had coffee today?
yes. proceed to question #2
no. have coffee.

2. a. does your head hurt?
yes. proceed to question 2b.
no. proceed to question 3.

2.b.possible reasons for headache
- caffeine deprived. have coffee.
- hungover. have coffee. if badly hungover, add plenty of milk. try not to wallow in regret and shame all day.
- lack of sleep. have coffee. you'll need it to get through your day.
- unknown. you might think better if you poured yourself a nice cup of coffee.

3.a. are you drinking coffee right now?
yes. proceed to question 3b.
no. proceed to question 3c.

3.b. how do you feel?
- upbeat and awake. you're doing it right! you're also probably irritating people. hold steady until your energy starts to ebb. then drink more coffee.
- cynical and embittered. continuing to drink coffee is probably the best look for you. also try taking up smoking and affecting a parisian accent.
- shaky and sick to your stomach. you probably need to eat something. enjoy a muffin or other tasty baked good with your coffee.
- irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. it's possible your needs have progressed beyond coffee. consider going to an emergency ward. have a coffee in the waiting room.

3.c. why not?
- already had coffee today. look, are you going to take this seriously or not? lightweight.
- no coffee available. switch locations immediately. move to another city if necessary.
- feel shaky and sick to your stomach. see 3b above.
- getting irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. see 3b above.

4. if you feel a dampness on your chest or shoulder
- your travel mug is leaking. you're wasting coffee! replace mug and get more coffee right away. sue manufacturer.
- you are crying. caffeine is a stimulant and will help overcome feelings of depression. have a cup of coffee, you poor thing.
- you are asleep and drooling on yourself. you need coffee!

5. have you consumed a lethal dose of caffeine for your body weight today?
yes. maybe you don't need to have coffee right now. if you can control the shaking, consider calling 911.
no.  it's a great day to be you! have coffee!

celebration time!

Comments

Biba said…
I definitely need a cup of coffee now!
Kate MacDonald said…
Let's all have one!
While I cannot brag about copious amounts of coffee that I do take, I can say that my wife makes a mean cup and it makes me unmean. She is wize.
Kate MacDonald said…
Yes, wise is the spouse who knows how to wish you "good morning" by handing you a perfect cup of coffee and then hiding until it kicks in...

as long as you're here, why not read more?

long division

after the united states election last year, there were the usual calls for the country to unite behind the new president. that never happens anymore, because, since george w. bush scored a victory in 2004, having launched the country into a war in iraq for no reason, the people on the losing side of a presidential election have been pretty bloody angry about it. democrats hated bush 43. republicans really hated obama. democrats really hate trump.

it didn't help that trump didn't make the typical conciliatory gestures like including a couple of members of the opposite party in his cabinet, or encouraging his party to proceed slowly with contentious legislation. barack obama arguably wasted at least two and as many as six years of his tenure as president trying to play peacemaker before he felt sufficiently safe to just say "screw you guys" and start governing around the ridiculous congress he was forced to deal with. not-giving-a-shit obama was the best president in …

making faces :: i could maybe not buy this one thing

i've been into makeup on some level for a long time- much longer than i've been writing about it, for certain. even as a young woman, i loved the feeling of i got from applying a deep-hued lipstick and some mascara. it took years for me to figure out eyeshadow, and even longer for me to appreciate blush. but at this point, i think we can agree that i'm pretty much into the whole gamut. [except liquid and super-matte lipsticks, and most very sparkly eyeshadows. but that's because they're painful for me to wear.]

the thing about spending a long time collecting and holding onto just about everything is that you accumulate quite a stash. lately, i'm trying to force myself to think about what i already have before laying down money for something new. most recently, i found myself drawn to the modern renaissance palette from anastasia. me and a lot of people. by the time i started thinking about it, it was already sold out in my local sephora and online. i signed up…

when you want a great pair

i have finally come to the realisation that i might be trying to learn too many languages at once. that's not to say that i don't want to learn all the languages that exist in written form, but spreading myself across a dozen at one time doesn't allow for a lot of progress in any of them. therefore, while i'm still "checking in" with all of them, i'm trying to focus on a couple at a time. lately, that's been swedish and norwegian, because they are both grammatically similar to english [even if the swedish accent is very tough for me], which makes things progress faster. in general, i've been trying to pair similar languages because, while it can get a bit confusing, building the skill sets of both at once strengthens each of them. if you want more bang for your linguistic buck, 'pairing' like this can be quite helpful. here's a few suggestions for ones that i'd recommend:

swedish and norwegian :: they are so similar, it's easy …