Skip to main content

ask a coffee expert

people often ask me "how much coffee is too much?" sometimes, i growl and punch them, because i clearly haven't had enough coffee. when i have had enough coffee, i tell them that the answer is complicated, because how much coffee is enough varies greatly from person to person. the best way to determine whether or not you have had too much coffee or just enough is to ask yourself a few key questions:

1. have you had coffee today?
yes. proceed to question #2
no. have coffee.

2. a. does your head hurt?
yes. proceed to question 2b.
no. proceed to question 3.

2.b.possible reasons for headache
- caffeine deprived. have coffee.
- hungover. have coffee. if badly hungover, add plenty of milk. try not to wallow in regret and shame all day.
- lack of sleep. have coffee. you'll need it to get through your day.
- unknown. you might think better if you poured yourself a nice cup of coffee.

3.a. are you drinking coffee right now?
yes. proceed to question 3b.
no. proceed to question 3c.

3.b. how do you feel?
- upbeat and awake. you're doing it right! you're also probably irritating people. hold steady until your energy starts to ebb. then drink more coffee.
- cynical and embittered. continuing to drink coffee is probably the best look for you. also try taking up smoking and affecting a parisian accent.
- shaky and sick to your stomach. you probably need to eat something. enjoy a muffin or other tasty baked good with your coffee.
- irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. it's possible your needs have progressed beyond coffee. consider going to an emergency ward. have a coffee in the waiting room.

3.c. why not?
- already had coffee today. look, are you going to take this seriously or not? lightweight.
- no coffee available. switch locations immediately. move to another city if necessary.
- feel shaky and sick to your stomach. see 3b above.
- getting irritated that the people in your head will not speak clearly and keep ringing their bells close to your eardrums. see 3b above.

4. if you feel a dampness on your chest or shoulder
- your travel mug is leaking. you're wasting coffee! replace mug and get more coffee right away. sue manufacturer.
- you are crying. caffeine is a stimulant and will help overcome feelings of depression. have a cup of coffee, you poor thing.
- you are asleep and drooling on yourself. you need coffee!

5. have you consumed a lethal dose of caffeine for your body weight today?
yes. maybe you don't need to have coffee right now. if you can control the shaking, consider calling 911.
no.  it's a great day to be you! have coffee!

celebration time!

Comments

Biba said…
I definitely need a cup of coffee now!
Kate MacDonald said…
Let's all have one!
While I cannot brag about copious amounts of coffee that I do take, I can say that my wife makes a mean cup and it makes me unmean. She is wize.
Kate MacDonald said…
Yes, wise is the spouse who knows how to wish you "good morning" by handing you a perfect cup of coffee and then hiding until it kicks in...

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: chanel's velvet realm

who doesn't love velvet? i know when i was younger, i used to, as george costanza longed to, "drape myself in velvet" and although that phase passed with time, i still think that the plush fabric has to be one of the high points of human achievement, up there with interior heating, advanced medicine and vodka. so to me, it's no surprise that one of the most hotly anticipated launches in the cosmetic world is chanel's new "rouge allure velvet" lipstick line, because even the name immediately makes me want to put it on my lips.

on a more concrete level, chanel describes these lipsticks as "luminous matte", which is sort of like the holy grail for lipstick lovers. we all want those intense, come-hither film noir lips, the sort where young men and sunlight are lost and never heard from again, but historically [including during the making of those films], applying a matte lipstick felt sort of like colouring in your lips with an old crayon that had…

making faces :: getting cheeky

blush might just be the last thing that a beauty lover comes to appreciate, seeing as it can be a matter of slight degrees that separates one product from another, and it's most difficult to tell from just swatching a product how it's going to look. and it did take me a long time to appreciate that, despite loving my refined pallor and believing that my natural rosy flush was more than enough of a blush for me, blush is my friend. it softens, sculpts, perfects and, although you might not see it at first blush [yuk yuk yuk], it is something that subtly harmonises with the other colours in a look to make it "complete". yes, it's the most tricky thing to pull off when you're wearing something that doesn't mesh with your own undertones. but it's also the thing that can take a face from gloomy to glowing with a swish of the magic wand known as a makeup brush.

highlighters are an even trickier lot, since many of the more brilliant ones have a tendency to e…