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things i learneded on the teevee

i've come to the conclusion that i may be watching too much news television. how much is too much? i woke up with the cnn "election 2012" intro music stuck in my head. i find it fairly difficult to fall asleep without having a news channel on to soothe me. [however, dom doesn't want me listening to al-jazeera before sleep anymore because it gives me nightmares. which makes me feel like he's treating me like a child and makes me want to get all "mind your own business" on him, except that he's right, al-jazeera before naps has given me nightmares, twice, which have resulted in him having the living crap scared out of him when i suddenly started screaming really loudly.]

i guess those things wouldn't be problems in and of themselves [except for dom. and possibly the neighbours.], but i'm concerned that all of this news television might actually be making me more dumber. seriously, i think there are some pretty dubious things that could be learned listening to watch you hear on the news. here are a few choice morsels.

1. endometriosis is caused by being a slut. or by being "round-heeled", which is a sort of old-fashioned way of saying slut. although it seems like very few people i know have heels that aren't rounded. cube heels and triangle heels would probably freak me out a little. and buying shoes would be tricky.

2. it's very easy to confuse canada and north dakota. both are in the north, have lousy winters and low population density. and chances are that most conservative staffers can't find either on a map.

3. all north american elections are run by robots who call your house and tell you what to do. also, no one cares enough about my vote to bother having robots call me.

4. if you live in america, now is probably not the time to get a job working for a christian scientist.

5. if you're pregnant, you should be required to have an ultrasound only if you're planning on having an abortion. ultrasounds aren't important if you plan to keep the baby, because you'll know what it looks like soon enough.

6. if you give a stupid answer in any situation, the acceptable way to deal with it is to claim that the way the question was asked was deceptive or confusing. can't wait to try that out in job interviews. or with dom. or, really, in any situation where i say stupid things, which is a lot of them.

i can't wait to see what i learn next...

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…