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stuff i want for christmas [that only santa can bring me]

while i'm always uber-grateful for the things that i get from friends and family [and dom, who is both of those things, but also more], each year i have a holiday list of things i'd really, really like to get, but which no one is going to be able to deliver. unless santa is real. and even then, i'd like to see how he fits them into his sack.

frothing with perversion
a rick santorum gay sex scandal :: tell me that you aren't thinking about the near-inevitability of this every time the guy appears on screen. that combination of uncomfortable tight-assedness and ignorant hatred is almost always a sure sign of some really weird skeletons in the closet.  and let's face it, when the iowa caucus happens on january 3rd, santorum is going to be the one on the chopping block, so we don't have long before he'll be out of the spotlight permanently. the only candidate who fares worse in iowa polls is john huntsman, who has let it be known that he could care less if the entire state of iowa gets taken into space as an alien holiday present, because he's all about new hampshire. [as an aside, does anyone else think that kim jong-il is the best thing that has happened to huntsman's campaign? after months of struggling for coverage, huntsman has suddenly become the beneficiary of hours of network news coverage, since he seems to be the only person in america who knows anything about north korea that didn't come from team america: world police.]

a job i could love :: i've mentioned before that i am in the process of looking for a job. it's kind of a depressing thing to be doing and about the only thing that's more depressing than being out of work is seeing the kind of jobs that are out there. i'm not being intransigent either. a couple of the places i've gone for a meeting in recent months have been notable chiefly because they've ended with me offering to leave samples of antidepressants i have in my purse. i'm pretty eager to find something that guarantees a regular paycheque, but even i have my doubts about going to work somewhere that has motivational posters like "abandon hope all ye who enter here" and "arbeit macht frei".

i've been lucky with my last couple of positions, except for the fact that they were fixed-term contracts, in that the places where i was working were fairly well-balanced and weren't inordinately stressful. it's funny, because sometimes my coworkers there weren't aware of the fact that these places were fairly low-stress. because they hadn't shared some of my more interesting work experiences, such as:

- having to stay at the office until six a.m. making alterations to a presentation, then getting criticised for coming in at 9:30 the next morning.

hell, i do this for free on the metro and bus
- receiving a hysterical, all-caps email from a company owner on boxing day accusing me of slacking off [with many other people copied] because i hadn't answered a question he'd asked the day before. for those of you unfamiliar with the term boxing day, it's the day after christmas. 

- getting chased around my desk [literally] by my boss's good friend.

- having my head pounded into a wall by an irate supplier who hadn't been paid for his work on the building's heater and had come back to start pulling the heater apart. followed by my boss telling me [once he'd arrived] that it was partly my fault because i shouldn't have let the supplier in [despite the fact that i'd met him several times and had no reason to disbelieve him when he said he was there on business].

when these are the standards by which you measure a working environment, anything that doesn't result in a trip to some kind of hospital is acceptable.

but- and i say this knowing that beggars aren't supposed to be choosy [although, if you've ever tried offering them something to eat, you know they can be]- i'd really like to be able to find something that isn't just acceptable, but that i'd actually enjoy. i have some ideas in that regard, but i'm also willing to be surprised. because given my work experience, it's generally only good things that will surprise me.

stephen harper getting some sort of incapacitating illness :: it may surprise you to know that i don't actually want something awful to happen to my prime minister. seriously, i don't. i just want him to be removed from working for a while, because he's such an incredible control freak [rumour has it that he strongly encourages his ministers and their staff to use the term "harper government" rather than "canadian government", as a way of making them forget who's paying their salaries] and at the same time, so adept at pitching his message to his base. i think that the only thing that will show how backward and flat-out dangerous the current canadian government is will be if the cult leader is prohibited from interfering for a while. i greatly look forward to seeing the scrum where peter kent is wailing about not being able to find the keys to his office or john baird is flipping out because someone changed his computer password from "password".

the ability to speak a whole lot of languages fluently :: not much to say on this one, it's just something i've always wanted to be able to do. as it is, i struggle with two.

sadly, i'm guessing that the only one of these i have a shot at getting for christmas is the first...

so what's on your unlikely santa list? and don't say world peace, because that would mean you're much too good to be reading this blog.

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…