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going postal

dear canada post,

like a lot of canadians, i've been monitoring your "labour situation" [stoppage of service] with some interest. i've been interested enough that i've been checking your updates, even now that everyone has been back to work for two and a half weeks. because i still have some questions.

i noticed today that you posted this update:



now, not to be picky, but mid-week would technically mean tomorrow and since i'm still receiving approximately one piece of mail per day, dated at the latest june 21st, that seems a little optimistic. but thanks for passing on the hope. and good on you for filling your missive with numbers that are conveniently difficult to fact-check. you seem so proud of yourself for clearing out the backlog of a two week service stoppage in just a little over two weeks, who am i to burst your happiness balloon?


perhaps this seems like semantics to you, but taking two weeks to do something that would have normally taken you two weeks to do isn't really testimony to your dedication and work ethic. if i have work that will take me four hours to complete and after an hour i take a break to watch a movie, or get caught up watching dom play video games, or go into a trance watching the cats for two hours, then i go back to work and take three hours to complete what i was doing, i haven't worked harder or more efficiently when i got back to it. in fact, if, during the last three hours, i brought in extra people to help me, it would kind of imply that i was working less efficiently during that time.

also, i vaguely remember you saying something about no new mail being accepted at one point during the service stoppage. oh right- it was on the first day. i don't have a lot of experience running my own post office, but it seems to me that if people weren't allowed to send mail, then the source of this massive backlog is a wee bit of a mystery. oh wait- not everybody was prohibited from sending mail. just regular people. corporations were allowed to send out bills, for instance. and junk mail. so what you really mean is that you're taking care of the needs of large corporations, whose movement towards private couriers has been the cause of your declining revenues, before you start dealing with the needs of we mortals.

more to the point, you have actually been accepting mail since june 27th, which means that a lot of people have put mail in the system since then. and since you've been occupying yourselves sending out bills that probably aren't relevant any more and, of course "ad mail", i'd hazard a guess that now you have a significant backlog. i'll bet some of it is even kind of important to the people who were operating under the assumption that we'd had a functioning postal service for the last two and a half weeks.


personally, i'm forced to depend on the mail at the moment, because i've recently worked on a completely independent film, which we're trying to get submitted to festivals and considered for distribution. you know what completely independent means? it means we didn't have someone like the government handing us a large chunk of our operating budget. does that blow your collective mind? hard to believe that it could happen, but it did. so it's kind of a bummer to have to make decisions like whether or not we submit to a festival that could represent a great opportunity because doing so would mean that we'd have to cough up $100 for a courier. and it's kind of a bummer to know that copies we've sent out already are probably sitting in canada post depots right now, being excluded from consideration, because you're busy sending me notices from bell canada about how much i could save by coming back to them.

i got this message because they sent it electronically, you see.


but i get it. that's a small, individual concern. and you're about the big picture. handling post for an entire country- particularly one the size of canada- is a big business. that's why we [the small individuals] pay you a big stipend every year, plus payment per piece of mail processed. because we believe it's a big deal to have a postal service that works. and since effectively stopping that service for a month [or more, when you consider that there were random stoppages in june before the "official" break off] is a really big deal, i'd like to know: what big gains were made by each side, what big improvements? oh... things are exactly the same as they ever were? gee, that's...well, you know. good luck with all that.

canada post corporation says

the canadian union of postal workers says

oh and fyi guys, in case you were worried, i did get that copy of the dvd in the mail. i went to my canada post office and paid cash to get that thing in the air. in fact, i was astonished at how cheap it was, a fraction of the $100 any courier wanted to charge me to get it to its destination overseas. then i noticed just as the employee was about to drop it in the mail pick-up box that she'd given it the postage it needed to ship within canada. but i caught her and after only a few minutes of watching her try to pull the incorrect stamp off the package and asking very carefully if she was sure i didn't need to fill out customs papers [she was sure], i paid the extra and off it went.

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…