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five reasons the world is happy i don't have kids


i fail to see the problem
i'm consistently surprised that people keep asking me if/ when i'm planning on having children. me planning to have children strikes me as an idea equivalent to planting explosives around a nuclear power plant to see what happens. here's why:


1. i'm incredibly self-centred. have you read this blog? i talk about virtually nothing but myself and there's a reason for that. with a very few exceptions, i don't really even think of other people as human. not a great start as far as maternal instincts go.

2. the cats really dictate most things in my life. anyone seeking refuge from nightmares in the middle of the night will have to negotiate with them for space on the bed. they get to kiss me as often as they like, which means that the immune systems of anyone who comes near me had better be state of the art. no excuses for being young and developing.

OH THERE'S MORE...



3. i'm really forgetful. i mean, i really loved my iphone 3gs and used it constantly. i couldn't shut up about how much i loved the phone. but i had a few drinks with dom and nat one night and dropped it in the back of a cab, thinking i was putting it back in my purse. and that's what i do when things that are useful to me. imagine where i'd leave a kid.


4. i already let the cats drink, because i think it's hilarious. and i can't even get the cats drunk. can you imagine the kind of things i'd get up to if i were given a small human with no natural tolerance for alcohol? i can. i imagine it often. and that's not a good thing for anybody.


5. i have really bad insomnia. that might work out fine in the first few months when the baby and i could scream at each other at all hours of the night, quickly driving dom into either voluntary deafness or insanity, but i think that it might get problematic when mummy thinks it would be awesome to watch movies at two in the morning on a school night.


there are lots more reasons, but i think that this is really a solid base for my argument that i should never, ever be encouraged to propagate. now go about your day and be happy that you will never have to deal with my drug-addled, cat saliva-coated, sleep-deprived spawn.

well chances are one of them will come out ok

Comments

Martin Rouge said…
Darling, I have stopped trying to justify why I don't want kids a long time ago, especially since that the one comment that keeps coming back is "oh, you'll change when you get them." Oh hell no I wont change, because I'm a selfish bastard that can barely take care of myself and I will not put myself in a position where I have to deal with a brood. I don't deal with other people's offsprings because they piss me right he hell off, why would I jump at the opportunity to get my very own bag of diarrhea and wasted college funds. Never, ever, ever.
flora_mundi said…
In this case, it's not so much justifying as reminding people that there are folks who just have no business having kids- and that there is something noble about realising you're one of those people.

I don't ask for much by way of recognition. A parade and a large cheque should suffice.

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…