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diagnosostication

i'm one of those people who generally has to be dragged to a doctor under heavy sedation. it's not that i'm afraid, it's just that every time i go, i either leave with drugs or shrugs- they can medicate me, or it's just something i have to live with. i think what i'm really looking for is a system whereby they hook me up to some futuristic machine, twist a few knobs and presto, my problem is solved.

however, i have to say that i'm tempted to go see a doctor for the latest bit of bodily strangeness i've encountered, just so i can watch their face turn from smug professionalism to looking around to see if there are hidden cameras recording a joke. i've been vaguely aware of this for a while, but last night was the first time that i really paid attention to what was happening.

on the upper left hand side of my chest, north of b00btown, just south of clavicle ridge, there is a slightly soft spot. maybe that's normal. it kind of feels like i have an equivalent depression on the right side, but it's not as pronounced. it's much easier to locate when i'm in a relaxed position than when i'm sitting straight up and it's only in a relaxed position that i can make it perform its little magic trick.

if i gently poke at the soft spot, i immediately start to cough and i can feel my heart flutter like i have a tremor. as soon as i stop pressing, the heart tremor subsides, but the coughing can persist- and, in fact, can get worse- over the course of several hours.

i like to think i know a thing or two about how to put together a human body, but i can't for the life of me think of what this is. i remember meeting someone who knew ninjitsu, who pointed out a spot in roughly the same area that you could tap with no more than medium force to immobilise an opponent, so i'm wondering if these phenomena are related, but that's where my ideas run out. various google searches have revealed nothing at all, so i guess, despite the odds, i may be unique in one regard. either that or i'm the only one thick enough to go prodding at a spot that causes tachycardia and coughing fits.

so, for all you aspiring quacks out there, here's the question of the moment: what the heck is wrong with me?

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…