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mixed nuts

i've always been fond of sinking some time into on line quizzes. so i decided to indulge my cyberchondria and see what a handful of on line psychological tests had to say in response to the simple question: what's wrong with me?

going through these, i tried to select to ones that at least had some pretense of seriousness and i set one rule: to the best of my ability, i answered every question honestly. this is what i ended up with.

this first one asks a series of general questions involving a range of psychological disorders and attempts to identify by percentage likelihood of your having any or all of them. as you can see, according to this test, one does stand out. (i fault this one for using the old-fashioned term "manic depressive". the correct medical term, at least in north america, is "bipolar". if you want to be cutesy about it, i supposed you could say "unpredictable".)

What mental disorder do you have?
Your Result: Manic Depressive

You have extreme cycles of highs and lows. Sometimes you feel like you don't know who you are. One week you could be very hyper and happy and the next week you are slow and depressed.

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

this next one was a particular favourite, not just because it diagnosed me with something so rare it wasn't even listed on the other quizzes and which, to the best of my knowledge, i show no symptoms of whatsoever, but because the quiz is hosted on an online dating site. now what better way to hook a new mate (assuming i were looking to, which i'm not) than to have a big banner declaring that i have multiple personality disorder. the only way i could think of to spin this is by trying to convince someone that it would be like being in a very open relationship with a number of different women.

Your result for The Mental Illness Quiz...

Diagnosis: Multiple Personality Disorder

51% Depressed, 47% Obsessive, 47% Delusional and 70% Anxious!

Now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of split identities or personality states that continually have power over your behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there's also an inability for you to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, you have highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with your split personality.

Take The Mental Illness Quiz at OkCupid

this is another one of these tests that determines your propensity for a number of different disorders. as far as i can tell, it's impossible to score a "low" on any of them. answering yes to any one of the frustratingly general questions basically guarantees you a moderate. i'm assuming, given the nature of the quiz, that pretty much everyone is going to get at least one "very high". i got three. i wonder if each of my multiple personalities from the quiz above has one disorder, or if one poor schmuck got stuck with all of them.

Paranoid Disorder:Very High
Schizoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:High
Antisocial Disorder:High
Borderline Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Disorder:Very High
Narcissistic Disorder:High
Avoidant Disorder:Moderate
Dependent Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --

enough with the general! let's talk specifics! here is a series of quizzes to determine one's likelihood of having specific conditions. let's see if it lines up with what we've already discovered...

add is still kind of a mystery to me. i hear more about it in kids and my reaction is always to shake my head and think that kids are hyperactive by nature. i don't see that many adults running in circles, screaming and pounding crayons into their head. but apparently that might be because i'm not able to concentrate long enough to see them. i personally like the fact that the add quiz results are shorter than any of the others. know your audience, i guess.

Results of your
Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

You scored a total of 66

You appear to be suffering from a moderate amount of attention and concentration difficulties according to your responses to this self-report questionnaire.

the result for my anxiety test is amusing chiefly because generalised anxiety disorder IS something i've been diagnosed with. and yet it's one of my lowest scores. i still seem to qualify as "moderately anxious". this would come as news to people who know me well.

Results of your
Anxiety Screening Quiz

You scored a total of 32

Based upon your responses to this anxiety screening measure, it appears that you may be suffering from moderate anxiety, symptoms that might typically qualify you for the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. Sometimes people who feel such anxiety symptoms don't realize that their body may be trying to tell them something. Look for patterns in your behavior, such as when and what circumstances under which you experience the symptoms you've described. For example, if it occurs prior to public speaking and your job requires a lot of presentations you may want to find ways to calm yourself before speaking or let others do some of the presentations.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.

OK, i have to say that i know very little about autism/ asperger's, but i know enough to know that i don't have it. so perhaps this result serves to validate some of the other results in this series?

Results of your
Autism / Asperger's Screening Quiz

You scored a total of 24

You have answered this autism screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from an austism spectrum disorder, including Asperger's disorder.

i think this next one might be just a wee bit of an exaggeration. people with BPD1 are subject to manias that involve a complete break from reality- psychosis, in other words. i can state with authority that i've never had that. it's this sort of result that probably makes your doctor want to take your internet away, because according to this, i should be demanding lithium and checking myself into hospital. yes, i have mood swings. yes, they are extreme. i'm looking into that. but that's a bit different than saying i'm bipolar type 1.

Results of your
Bipolar Quiz

You scored a total of 56

Based upon your responses to this bipolar screening quiz, you appear to be suffering from severe symptoms associated with a bipolar disorder. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

ah, the classic. depression. i'm willing to bet that no one ever scores low on this one. honestly, i know i do/ have suffered through some major depression (medical professionals back me up on this), so i'm not disputing the result. i did notice one interesting thing about the quiz, though. i got this high score while giving only low to moderate marks to any of the emotional signs of depression. all of the physical signs, however, i have in spades. how weird is that?

Depression Quiz

You scored a total of 56

Based upon your responses to this depression quiz, you appear to be suffering from a severe depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

again, this one is something i expected, but not quite to this extent. this one is actually my highest score and, while i'm prone to periods of "excessive bounciness", i don't think it's as bad as all that. (on the other hand, perhaps i'm kidding myself because being manic is just a lot more fun than being depressed.)

Results of your Mania Quiz

You scored a total of 72

You appear to be severely manic from your responses to this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.

i have ocd too? yes, i have weird little rituals i feel compelled to do (like complete every single one of these quizzes), but if you think i'm bad now, you should have seen me when i was a kid, when i'd force myself to step up and over invisible "trip wires" that connected the furniture in our house.

Results of your
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Screening

You scored a total of 14

Based upon your responses to this screening measure, you are most likely suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community immediately.

once again, the low score on this one presents a possible validation for other results. i've known a number of people with schizophrenia and i'm very sure that isn't one of the disorders to which i am subject. and i consider myself lucky, because i see for those who do have it how much work is involved in just trying to go through stuff that the rest of us deal with every day. (nice little scorpion sting at the end with the "don't worry- you still might be schizophrenic" caveat.)

Results of your
Schizophrenia Screening Quiz

You scored a total of 6

You have answered this schizophrenia screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Because no online test is 100% accurate, please be aware that this does not necessarily mean you do not have schizophrenia, only that this particular quiz did not find sufficient evidence to suggest that you do.

if you think i'm making light of mental disorders, you're wrong. i'm just baffled at the sheer number of things that can be wrong and how certain symptoms can be indicative of any number of them. not only that, but it's perfectly common for people to have comorbid (meaning co-existing, but sounds much better when you're talking about mental health problems) conditions. looking at this, i could have several, but it's hard to tell where to start when i can't even get a clear idea of what all the possible conditions are. the "correct" thing to do in this situation is to get a professional opinion, but i have about as much faith in doctors as i do in miracle cures. (hm, perhaps the paranoia test results have something to them.)

so that's it. according to the internet, this is a compendium of all that things that are wrong with me.

i guess that:
- my manic side is going to simultaneously try about eight different "cures"
- my depressive side will give up hope
- my paranoid side won't say anything, because i don't trust anyone enough to help me
- my add side will forget about it before the end of this sentence
- my ocd side will start making lists of all symptoms and cross-referencing them and
- my histrionic side will post this to a blog to get attention.


as long as you're here, why not read more?

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i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:

am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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