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the never-ending story

ring ring

hello?

hello, may i speak to kathleen macdonald?

yes, this is she.

ms. macdonald, i am calling from bell canada regarding your past due account.

this is not the number you should be calling, my friend.

really?

look carefully at your screen. do you see a note on there that i am waiting on a credit from you, in order to clear the balance of my current account?

oh, yes, i see that you are supposed to be getting a credit, but it doesn't tell me when.

can you see what my billing cycle is?

oh, yes, it says you'll be getting your final bill on november 14th.

you mean today.

yes

so why are you calling me if you can see that there's an issue with the account that's pending and that i've already spent nearly four hours on the phone with you getting it resolved? i was told that i wouldn't be getting any more phone calls.

well it's an automatic dialer.

why hasn't my number been removed from the automatic dialer?

i guess the last person you talked to didn't do that.

the last person i talked to told me that the person before him was supposed to have done it.

i don't know why he didn't remove your name, ma'am.

[continue dialogue along these lines until a promise that my name is being removed at that very moment is extracted.]

congratulations adam from bell. (and i can only assume that you're prohibited from giving out last names because of the inevitable crank calls to your homes.) you are one more idiot in my rogue's gallery.

Comments

Kiefer and Emo said…
I spent 5 months with free electricity once because the meter was broken. They never asked for that money and every month my bill said 73 cents franchise fee. I live for those moments.

So do I.
Zero said…
Phone companies are so dehumanizing.

I did see you under my bed when I was eight!
Aaron Fenwick said…
This is looking like corporate incompetence of truly biblical proportions... I do feel a little sorry for the next poor sap who will inevitably call... (Insert walking into the Lion's den style metaphor)
flora_mundi said…
you are right to fear for him, aaron. i've reached the point where i'm actually looking forward to the next assault on my privacy... who knows what horrors lurk...

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

i agree, smedley [or, smokers totally saved our planet in 1983]

so this conversation happened [via text, so i have evidence and possibly so does the canadian government and the nsa].

dom and i were trying to settle our mutual nerves about tomorrow night's conversion screening, remembering that we've made a fine little film that people should see. which is just about exactly what dom had said when i responded thusly:

me :: i agree smedley. [pauses for a moment] did you get that here?

dom :: no?

me :: the aliens who were looking at earth and then decided it wasn't worth bothering with because people smoked even though it was bad for them?
come to think of it, that might mean that smokers prevented an alien invasion in the seventies.

dom :: what ?!?!?

me :: i've had wine and very little food. [pause] but the alien thing was real. [pause.] well, real on tv.

dom :: please eat something.

of course, i was wrong. the ad in question ran in 1983. this is the part where i would triumphantly embed the ad from youtube, except that the governmen…