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selections from the imaginary kaleidescope, part 2

I

What are you now? Not anyone’s. Only your own. And what does that mean in the end? What does it mean if you are without owner? If an animal, a stray. Those who have no owner are gathered up and taken away, awaiting adoption or death.


II

Everything was different for Alice in this new place. The faces, the tempo, the course of her day. Different was good and bad. She did not have much time for anything and after a couple of weeks, the sight of her own painting propped up against the wall of what was supposed to be her studio was depressing. Who had time to paint?

On the other hand, the featureless white of her walls was also a little depressing. When she had moved her meagre belongings in, there had been others with their doors open and she had seen inside their rooms. She had pictured her own home being diffierent. It was lucky that the people from work kept her busy on a regular basis and kept her from sitting at home and staring at those walls.

III

This is in the past for us now, sitting, scents of incense and perspiration hanging on us, my head inclined into his shoulder. In ten years, he’ll be married and it won’t matter that his ex-girlfriend went crazy on him and smashed up his things. It won’t matter that she got jealous and it confused things between us, because we both started to wonder if I was asking for something more. He’ll be happy and I’ll be happy for him. But I don’t know that now. For now, I just know that the two of us have no concrete plans, nothing locked in as the summer slides away from us like the tide. There’ll be another one, soon enough, but not this one. Not this moment. This moment is singular and gone.

IV

I’d rather stay on the train and read my book until I fall asleep. I’ve awoken confused and drooling on the chair in my living room so many times that I don’t see how the seats on the metro car could be any worse. This will eventually kill me, I know, because it isn’t healthy for an adult human being to survive on ten minute cat naps and adrenaline. Maybe that’s what’s happened to the guy at the other end of the platform. He didn’t start out crazy, but here he is, getting his jollies pretending that he wants other people to think he’s contemplating a jump. This is what I have to look forward to when I finally lose it at work and start to scare people. When I cross the line between laughing in an uncomfortable way at my supervisor’s jokes and cackling as I try to microwave his head. It’s a finer line than you might think.

V

When it finally did stop, either from his exhaustion or confusion over the sounds and movements I was making, it was like all the air was vacuumed out of the room. There we were, silent and dehydrated.

The light in the kitchen, and I can’t imagine why I didn’t notice this before, is red. It’s spilling red all over the room, over David and over the cat in his arms. Over me.

“I think that she might be pregnant,” he laments, pushing her towards me for a second opinion.

It’s true that her belly is suspiciously round, but with her thrust in this awkward position, it’s hard to tell anything. And would a pregnant female really let me run my hand over her vulnerable belly? Wouldn’t she have some instinct to protect herself? Some inborn need to shelter her imminent young? If she were pregnant, would I be able to feel the forms of kittens through the taut skin? I know nothing about this.

I woke up this morning in the centre of a cloud, real and invisible as carbon monoxide, eroding the protective layers I had developed for myself.

Comments

Mieze said…
Really like your writing here.

as long as you're here, why not read more?

jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

making faces :: hot stuff, comin' through

i don't even know what to say about the weather. the end of september saw temperatures at a scalding 36c/ 97f outside. this is especially annoying because we've had a moderate summer. most days it rained a little in the morning, the temperatures didn't creep into the 30s too often and there wasn't the normal stretch of a few weeks when it felt like we were living on the sun. now, we've receded into more normal fall weather, although it's still on the warm side for mid-october. that climate change thing is a bitch.

trying to think of something positive in the situation, it does put me in a perfect frame of mind to write about urban decay's naked heat palette. it's the latest in what appears to be an endless series of warm neutral and red eyeshadow palettes that have followed in the footsteps of anastasia's modern renaissance. [which i ultimately decided i didn't need after doing a thorough search of my considerable stash.] i do think that it'…

the portuguese referendum

what the what? "there's no referendum in portugal" i hear you say. and you're correct. the portuguese socialist party won elections in 158 of the country's 308 municipalities, the country was named the best travel destination in europe at the world travel awards and the antichrist josé mourinho had a street named after him in his home town, but there was no national referendum in the country of portugal.

but there could have been.

back in the fifteenth century, spain was... nonexistent. the iberian peninsula was divided into several states, each of which considered themselves independent of all the others. you had portugal on the atlantic side. in the centre was the kingdom of castile [which had previously been castile and léon]. in the northeast you had the basque kingdom of navarre [home to one of the many branches of my family tree]. in the south-southwest, you had the muslim caliphate that had once held sway over much of the modern-day spanish territory, but…