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a modest proposal

ok, every four years there is an orgy of sport where canada has a shot at doing something substantial. we can't compete in the summer olympics but, dammit, in the winter olympics, we should be able to accomplish something great. of course, right now, we're having our great white northern hides whipped by a country with a population that's less than that of our largest city. so i think we need to change our focus. canada, with all its creature comforts, may be becoming immune to winter's edge. we no longer have that love of the snow and ice and wind we once did. our skiers go slower, our skaters fall down, it's not pretty.

it's time to participate in a different kind of games. you see, canada's population is becoming increasingly urban. a far greater proportion of our population live in cities than many places in the world, so, in order to capitalise on this strength, i would like to propose:

the urban olympics

lots of events based athletic-ised versions of the crap we have to do every day. here's some suggestions (more always welcome):

dumpster diving (single and team)
running for the bus (the runner must start out running towards a parked bus, which will pull away as soon as the runner gets close enough for the bus driver to get a good look at him/ her)
shovelling (could be adapted to raking leaves for seasonal appeal)
moving furniture up the stairs
carrying groceries (automatic disqualification for broken or torn bags)
highway cycling (complete with cars; bronze medal means you survived, gold medal means you have all your limbs)
commuting (in traffic)
jaywalking
taking the stairs because the elevator is broken (5 floor, 10 floor and 20 floor competitions)
getting ready for work after your alarm doesn't go off

the possibilities are endless and, what's better, we could probably do a lot better than we are are in those other olympics...

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