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final will and testament


ok, so i figure i should write this because soon i'm going to be dead. i'm going to weigh about 450 pounds and i'm going to be dead from a heart attack and every artery in my entire body will be completely clogged with fat. around me will be a halo of cookie crumbs in many different flavours.

when you find me, whoever you are, i want you to know that i was killed by the immaculate baking company, whose extraordinary products i was unable to resist. most dangerously, this evil entity have established a fund for the promotion of american folk art, meaning that money raised from the sale of their product also goes to a fine cause. the fact that your money goes towards a worthy end does untold damage to innocent but weak-willed people (like yours truly) by undercutting the guilt we would normally feel if we, say, ate half a bag of rich, buttery pumpkin ginger cookies... drool... slurp...

incidentally, these folks also apparently baked the world's largest cookie in 2003. it was about the size of a boeing 737. right now, i feel like i ate a boeing 737. if you don't see any more posts on this site, please contact the authorities and see that these cookie-murderers get what's coming to them.

Comments

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jihadvertising?

i keep seeing this ad for tictac candies:



am i the only one who finds the suicide bomber clown at the end a little unnerving? all the nice natural things like the bunny and the [extinct] woolly mammoth and the fruit get devoured by a trying-to-appear-nonthreatening-but-obviously-psychotic clown who then blows himself up. congratulations, tictac, i think this ad has landed you on about a dozen watch lists.

oh and by the way, showing me that your product will somehow cause my stomach to explode in a rainbow of wtf makes me believe that doing consuming tictacs would be a worse dietary decision than the time i ate two raw eggs and a half a bottle of hot sauce on a dare.

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on a more concrete level, chanel describes these lipsticks as "luminous matte", which is sort of like the holy grail for lipstick lovers. we all want those intense, come-hither film noir lips, the sort where young men and sunlight are lost and never heard from again, but historically [including during the making of those films], applying a matte lipstick felt sort of like colouring in your lips with an old crayon that had…

long suffering

i've been meaning to write this post for a while, but, every time i get started, something happens that makes me rethink portions of it, to add or subtract or consider a different way of looking at things. the post was originally going to be my take on a #metoo statement, but i ended up making that post on my personal facebook page. [it's not that i don't love you all, but there are a few things i'm not comfortable putting in the entirely public sphere.] but beyond joining the #metoo juggernaut, i wanted to write something about the wave of sexual assault revelations that continues to swell over the north american media landscape that wasn't about me. then i realised that that was a little more complicated than just writing "so, lotta sex rapes happenin' these days, ain't there?" or whatever it was that i was going to say.

so i tried writing something about just a part of it: the media coverage or the entertainment industry or the politicians or …